Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
