I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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