I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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