I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
