peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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