got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
