Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
