you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
