By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
