I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
