Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
