he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
