I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
