Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's a Shit stain on my heart
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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