I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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