did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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