my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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