I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
