Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
