dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
