Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
