I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
