All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
