If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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