Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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