The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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