she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
