Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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