I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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