I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
