i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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