Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
