The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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