Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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