just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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