Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
