really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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