My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
