There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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