I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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