You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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