if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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