WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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