Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
