I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Boobs speak an international language.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
