she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
