I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
