margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need moral support for this bender
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We smell like vodka and hangover
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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