I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize