just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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