Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
