About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
