Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
