I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
