Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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