do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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