Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
