Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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