My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
