maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Barsexuality is the new black.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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