fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
