I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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