You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize