Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
