i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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