Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize