Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
