You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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