sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So many bounce houses so little time
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
