If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
