I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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