i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize