it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize